I was having lunch with my old pal Jane the other day when she pointed out with her chopsticks a lady seated two tables away.
"Look at her," she said, sounding a little agitated. "I simply dislike women like that."
"What's wrong?" I responded, tilting my head and trying to swallow food at the same time. In that awkward angle, I saw who Jane was referring to: a lady in her 30s dressed in a light-colored pantsuit. She had wavy shoulder-length hair and was decent looking. She was eating a bowl of noodles. From the looks of it, a mee-pok ta or Asian flat noodles in non-soup version. Kan (Mandarin) or 'dry', that is.
"Look closely. Observe how she eats," instructed Jane.
As I turned to look again, the pantsuit lady was about to pick up some noodles with her chopsticks. She did it rather coquetishly, weighing them first in the air and then putting some into her mouth. I noticed something odd the way she did it, but, I was busy trying not to choke on my own food. In my subconscious, a red light went off. The Pantsuit Lady didn't have to do what she did as she was eating dry noodles and not soup.
Jane went on. "See! See! How she is chewing on them now!" she said, more annoyed than excited.
I looked again. True enough, there was something unusual about the way that Pantsuit Lady was consuming her noodles.
Amazingly, it seemed as if she was giving someone a BJ, which is short for "blow job". Technically, it is called a fellatio. My amused grin grew into a huge silly one at the funny scene unfolding before me. In all my years of eating out, I've not seen a woman eat her noodles quite like that. She could well be pleasuring her husband or boyfriend.
The Pantsuit Lady angled her head, kept her loose hair back with one free hand at the neck, and then proceeded to cup her mouth over the noodles.
'Cup over' is the operative phrase here. Whereas you and I would lean in and at the same time shaft the noodles into our mouths, this Pantsuit Lady didn't. She simply held her noodles up and with her chopsticks level, put her lipsticked mouth over it. Very unusual. It was as if some imaginary person was holding the chopsticks for her instead. -Holding it just out of reach.
Seeing this unusual display I was beginning to wonder if this Pantsuit Lady was of another nationality. I had watched the Jap movie Tanpopo before and had seen folks in that country eat their noodles with gusto and in their own peculiar way. But it was in no way the same as how this Pantsuit Lady was imbibing hers. She looked and sounded local.
As she ate, taking one mouthful after another, a ball of food would form in her cheek. Unlike a normal person, she didn't fill her mouth with noodles. She simply took a small ball of it, chew, swallow and then another. If you looked at her cheek, you would see: ball, no ball, ball. It really reminded me of that common BJ joke bitchy girls make against one another - the one with that shoved fist and tongue against the cheek to simulate BJ action - an example of which you could see in the Wayan brothers' movie, White Chicks.
Amazingly, the Pantsuit Lady ate her noodles without break, i.e. she did not bite off the noodles and then chew on them. She merely cupped her head/mouth over that column of noodles and ate and chewed until the whole thing was finished. Incredible!
Can you imagine the action? Woman lifts up noodles, presses her hair back, angles her head, puts mouth over the noodles, suck in a ball, chew, swallow, suck in another ball of noodle, chew, swallow... until the rest of the noodles on her chopsticks are gone and slurped up. All the time her chopsticks remained AT THE SAME LEVEL.
It was incredible to witness. What a feat! And, WHO WOULD EAT NOODLES LIKE THAT???
Being a technical person, I noted all that down mentally. I wasn't sure, but the information could be useful somehow. It was all rather intriguing. You know how we engineers are, or if you have watched enough shows about animals in the wild, you'll understand the need to note all sorts of creature behavior and then later recall their eccentric displays in lurid details. More or less what I am doing here.
Now, guys who have taken head from a lady with long hair would recognise that signature move with the pressing back of the hair and angling of the head. You won't want all that strandly bits of hair to get in the way of a good fellatio.
That action is actually very considerate and lady-like. A man would be so lucky to have such a gracious lady give him head. With such a lady, you'd clean your dick first, lie back and not dare lay a hand on her head as to appear uncouth. A lady like that deserves respect. Because, what she is offering you is a privilege, not a lustful deed. Kind of "up there" like geisha service. (Not that I've had the pleasure of a geisha before and that they all engage in this kind of 'Geylang' activity!)
Jane wasn't so kind.
"See, she's eating like she's giving someone a BJ," she said, voicing the obvious, and still sounding annoyed and a little disgusted.
"And look, her bowl is not even centred in front of her."
I looked again and could see that Jane was right. The Pantsuit Lady was eating her bowl of noodles with it placed to one side. Kind of strange since she did not have another dish in front of her to pick at.
"Is that why she is cocking her head slightly," I asked, intending the pun. Jane was too livid to notice my feeble effort. I wondered why she was getting all worked up, so I asked her.
"So why are you being so upset with her?"
Jane looked at me as if I should have understood. "What?" I said, rather defensively AND too quickly.
"Show-off," Jane replied.
"Huh?" I was scratching my head. "A show-off?"
"It's no different from a girl wearing a low-cut blouse to show off her breasts." I was reminded then that Jane had modest breasts. She caught me staring at her chest and raised a fist in mock anger. She flared her cute eyes too. I pretended to shy away in defeat and jokingly laughed at her feelings of inadequacy.
"Look," I said. "Maybe that woman over there has been eating like that her whole damn life. Perhaps since the time of kok-kok noodles, you know." Haha, another pun.
Jane got it this time.
"Haha, fun-nee (*sacasm). Someone should tell her to stop. It's embarrassing." Saying that, she sulked.
I found Jane's response strange. Jane was usually confident about herself. She had above-average looks, abilities, etc. - quite the liberal sort, actually. So why was she acting funny and letting a total stranger affect her in such a manner. I mean, why bother?
I could make out that the Pantsuit Lady was rather tall and on the womanly side. Jane was slim and rather girlish. Is that the reason? And Jane was perhaps a decade older than the Pantsuit Lady. Female jealousy and cattiness?
Women. Is it true that they all react the same when a better-looking or better-dressed woman walks into the room? That scratchy claws will all come out?
"Look, would you feel better if I tell you I knew a colleague once who ate funny too? She did not like gravy on her rice and drinks only piping hot soup. She ate only with a fork, except when having soup. She claimed it helped her to think while she masticated and picked at her food. She later confessed that it was a habit left over from eating salads too often."
Masticate. I was quite pleased to have used that word.
Jane shot me a look, a look that accused me of siding with a stranger. But it soon passed.
"Hah! Still no excuse to be eating this weird," she said, her gaze again returning to the Pantsuit Lady. "And who would eat holding chopsticks like that as if in suspended animation?"
Then Jane suddenly exclaimed and gesticulated with her chopsticks again. "Look! Look!" This time, her aim was directed slightly off to the right at the older lady opposite the Pantsuit Lady. She appeared to be the lady's mom. They had the same facial features, cheek bones and even hair type.
The older lady was picking up her noodles and weighing them in the air before tucking them in. Chopsticks level, same BJ motion with the noodles. Daughter and mother act.
Jane and I turned to look at one another other and burst out laughing, almost tipping over the tall sugarcane drinks in front of us! A most unforgettable lunch it turned out to be!
Next story: A Brown Belt Affair
More humour here: The Singapore Little India Riot