Thursday 1 November 2012

Dwarves of Meno

[I came across this pix (above) on the Internet and thought it was rather funny, how the seven dwarves were called Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy. Bloated, Forgetful & Psycho - after the symptoms of what some women go thru when enduring menopause. So, here is my version of the classic Snow White and The Seven Dwarves tale based on that. It is part satire. Do enjoy. :-)]

Snow White sat at the table and cried. She could not understand why Dwarf Bitchy would call her "cunt" again. She had told him time and again that it was an unkind word and shouldn't be used, least of all in her presence. It triggered bad memories with her stepmother Queen, who was cruel and liked to call her names, especially when her dad King was not around to hear them uttered.

Stepmother Queen had often used the word "cunt" when talking to her wide-screen LED Mirror TV equipped with 64GB onboard memory, a front-facing 3MP camera, 4G LTE wireless and Google Voice. She would say things like this to Google:

"Mirror mirror TV on the wall,
Who is the fairest of them all?"

And Google Voice would reply. "Why, it's Snow White, of course!"

Each time Stepmother Queen heard that, she would fly into a rage and shout: "That cunt! Of course she is fair. She's stuck in the castle all day. Meanwhile, I am the one who has to go out to work. Who went and died and left me this financial mess? Snow White's father! Why I can't even mention that cunt's name without flying into a rage!"

Google Voice would always attempt to calm her down. "I sense that you are upset. Do you want to have some ice-cream? My location adviser tells me that there is a Wall's ice cream truck parked nearby. Do you want me to ping them?"

"No! I want you to get rid of Snow White for me!"

Google Voice would then cluelessly reply: "Sorry, that did not quite compute. What do you mean by 'get rid of her'? Do you want me to send Snow White a Google Chat message to ask her to let you be for an hour or two?"

This only made Stepmother Queen livid. "You-goddamn-good-for-nothing-Google-TV-screen! Go check your Wiki Dict for that meaning, you son of a bitch!"

With that, she would then slam the TV screen to 'standby' mode and storm away. Half a day later, she would return and ask the very same question again.

In time, Snow White figured out that it was her GPS coordinates that gave her away. But switching it off in her Samsung Galaxy III smart phone did not help. Neither was hiding in some far corner of the castle. She was still the "fairest of them all". At least in that remote corner, she wouldn't be able to hear her stepmother call her "cunt". But the Queen's rage still reverberated within the castle's walls afterwards.

Although that had happened many years ago, Snow White would still shudder each time she thought about her stepmother. That woman after all did try to posion her with an Apple one time. It was an iPad Mini with a poison-laced screen. One swipe was all it took to send Snow White into a coma. She was just trying to answer a conference call. Turns out, it was her Stepmother Queen calling to trick her into touching the iPad and to gloat. " you die!" was what she said before disappearing in a GIF cloud of smoke.

Fortunately, Snow White did not die. A passing karung guni man, who was actually a prince in disguise looked in and kissed her thinking she was the air stewardess girlfriend he once loved. By the miracle of his poison-killing saliva, Snow White lived. But the prince was then whisked away by some A*Star agents and locked away, some say in the deep research dungeons of Biopolis Park, where the nefarious arts of virus infection, distribution and incubation were being practised. The agents were keen to find out how his saliva could kick poison powder butt so well. So potent it was.

The prince, afraid of being tortured, spilled everything out. He related how he was at a sex orgy party late one night at a car park in Hort Park. It was held in a CNB "Party More, Less Drugs" campaign bus. At the time, high on drink, he had given tongue to half a dozen women as well as oral sex to a senior official there. If the agents wanted answers, the prince told them they should round up those people and take swab samples.

The agents took down his statements but also laughed at his ridiculous suggestion. No CNB official (and a senior one at that) would risk his reputation and pension to do something so wanton and perverse, they said. Who would be so stupid? they asked.

But the prince then retorted and said "Well, your scholars have a history of being peeps and perverts!" With that he got smacked across the face and fainted. Some say the prince then fell back and knocked his head, causing him to go into a coma. The irony! one of the agents familiar with the case noted. But outside, no one was sure if the prince was really in a coma or dead. Either way, the agents involved could still test him for an anti-poison antidote. They just didn't have to put up with his potty mouth anymore that's all.


Back at the Dwarf cottage-hole, Snow White was still an emotional mess. Ever since she turned 40, her hormones had been giving her hell. One moment she was feeling happy; the next, she would crash with grumpiness. Then there were the sneezes and bashfulness (hot flashes).

"Bitchy had every right to call me a cunt," Snow White said, to no one in particular. "I haven't been myself lately."

But there was more between Snow White and Bitchy. Bitchy, you see, was actually a dike in disguise. Snow White and her had been carrying on a lesbian relationship for many years. Apparently dwarf women don't get menopause; they have always been that grouchy since puberty. Unruly facial hair is the norm too, why dwarf women were sometimes mistaken as men and brought down to the mines as well.

Of course, it wasn't easy to carry on a relationship with someone on the quiet in a small cottage-hole of eight occupants - Snow White included. The only person to know anything about it was Forgetful, who would always soon forget what he saw or knew. But he would still nudge-nudge wink-wink at Snow White each time, not entirely sure why he was doing that. Habit likely, was what Forgetful concluded. Like all his other involuntary actions such as masturbating beside the well (an event which he would also soon forget afterwards to the chagrin of the others. The well was after all common property and provided water for everyone!).

Like Forgetful, the other dwarves were also busy with their own issues to want to bother with Snow White and Bitchy.

Take Itchy, for example. He's too irritated by his own skin allergies to care about any other thing else. Sleepy was the same, almost always half awake only. Bloated would be chased out of the house because of his condition. He farted and burped once too many times, even when food and drink was being served. Now, he stayed mostly on his own in the annex tool shed. Sweaty was always sweaty and liked spending his time outside the confines of the tiny cottage-hole in a nearby hot-spring. He claimed it helps to cleanse his body of perspiration and odours. To find a permanent cure, Sweaty even resorted to TCM. He purchased a popular wooden tub from China for this purpose, a kind of personal sauna that steamed herbs really. That left only Psycho. But Psycho all along had Bipolar Disorder, so no one really took him seriously. If he said something controversial, someone would always retort: "Siao eh, ah!" or "Kenna sai, always talking cock!"


Feeling slightly better, Snow White decided to talk to The Huntsman. He always knew what to say and do. It was he in fact the one who had saved her in the very first place when Stepmother Queen made the unusual request for her heart one Halloween night. She had claimed she needed it to complete a costume for a party. At the time, Snow White was but a wee Snow Flake and The Huntsman had taken pity on her and set her free in the forest. "Fly, you fool," was what he commanded when she had simply stood there unsure of which way to go. And fly she did, tripping over brambles and wild boars making love in the thick of night in the unfamiliar and largely scary forest.

It was then that she ran into Bitchy, half naked and seemingly admiring her own adolescent breasts under moonlight in what looked like an Elven Spell Circle of leaves piled in the middle of a ring of trees. Snow Flake was at first shocked to see a man-boy with breasts, but she also had been taught to expect the unexpected by her grandma who once lived in these enchanted woods. It was a pity that she died so soon and in such cruel fashion too, being eaten alive by a talking wolf. The Huntsman had come too late to save her. Maybe that' s why The Huntsman saved her from Stepmother Queen: He needed to atone for not being able to save Grandma White from that deceitful wolf. Snow White (as Snow Flake) still remembers that fateful day well. The Huntsman half-naked and glistening in sweat when he came running and swinging an axe, looking a little flustered and out of breath.

Snow White remembers Grandma White as being a skilled lady who could bake and ride a horse. It was she who first taught Snow White how to ride her first pony. It was also she who gave her a riding hood made entirely of soft red felt that she had sewn together. Her nickname for Snow White then was 'Red Riding Hood' - something Snow White liked but not loved. A menstrual incident later while out riding with friends (boys!) also hardened her dislike for that nickname. And when Grandma White died, she decided to let the nickname die with her. 'Snow White' was fine except it did not sit well with Stepmother Queen. That bitch would rather call her "cunt".

Snow White picked up her skirt and hurried along the forest path. The Huntsman cottage was just ahead and she could see smoke coming out of the chimney, meaning that The Huntsman was at home.


Snow White knocked on The Huntsman's door. A handsome man in his late 40s answered it. He was in lederhosen pants and topless. The Huntsman was obviously still in good physical shape judging from his six-pack abs and tight muscles elsewhere. If they caused Snow White discomfort, she didn't show it.

From inside, Robin Hood in tight pants, mascara and lipstick emerged. He too was topless and seemed to be in a funk, eyes glassy. Snow White wondered if the men had been 'wrestling' again, as The Huntsman once explained when she found them locked in some strange, tight embrace. At the time, the Wrestling Regional Finals were indeed round the corner and so she didn't think too much about it. But now....

Snow White blinked away those thoughts and invited herself in. The Huntsman could, after all, help her with her dilemma. How to calm a butch like Bitchy and keep their beautiful same-sex relationship going.

The End - by TC Lai

Next story: A Monster To Live With

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